Your Rights or Results:  You Choose

You cannot have it both ways!

Every year in America, this “both ways” mentality gets worse and worse.  Somewhere along the line Americans started thinking that we could have all of our rights and freedoms and have expedient justice and results at the same time.  Well, I have to tell you:  YOU CANNOT.  There is a blend of the two that must be championed if we are going to continue being a successful country.

The mortgage crisis of late is one of the great disasters caused by this “have it both ways” mentality.  The government was constantly pressured by citizens and certain groups to make the mortgage lenders reduce their restrictions on getting mortgages so that more of the so-called “less fortunate” members of society could get homes.  In an effort to appease those activists, the mortgages were given out to those that could not afford them and did not deserve to have them.  As it turns out, as common sense would tell you, those mortgages are now not being paid.  Those that want it both ways are now saying the mortgage lenders are vicious, evil, greedy people who scammed and misled these “poor” people and are now foreclosing on them.  Keep in mind that this “crisis” is minuscule, being somewhere in the single digit percentages of all mortgages.  Now the government is being asked by the appeasers to bail everyone out.  Who will pay for this?  We all will.  BOTH WAYS?

Everyone is upset about domestic wire-tapping.  No one wants their rights and privacy violated.  I know narcissism plays a role in this as Americans actually think the government cares about what they are saying on the phone.  We all talk too much and listen too little.  I believe listening to the average American’s conversations would be the most boring job in the world.  I personally have nothing to hide; therefore, I do not care if someone listens to what I say on the phone.  This is a right I will gladly give up if it means catching terrorists or other criminals.  If you are a criminal, breaking the law, then you should not be dumb enough to discuss crimes on the phone or in an email.  What happens when there is a terrorist occurrence in America?  Those who want it both ways will say, “why did the government not see this and prevent it?”  BOTH WAYS?

The Jessica Lundsford case is a prime example of the “both ways” mentality.  Those same activists who would fight to defend John Couey’s right to not be illegally searched are now those who are joining the father in suing the police for not doing enough to find his daughter while she was still alive in Couey’s trailer.  He was a suspect.  The police could have done more.  Guess what?  They had to appease the ACLU and others due to political correctness.  If the police had searched his trailer, they would have been sued and people would have been fired, they did not, and now they are being sued.  How do you do the right thing in this case?  You don’t:  You are in America.  BOTH WAYS?

We train our Marines to “kill people and blow stuff up.”  When our Marines kill people and/ or blow stuff up in other countries the “both ways” crowd jumps in automatically trying to find ways to punish our Marines for crimes against humanity or any number of other rights violations.  I assume this is their way of saying that war and conflict is OK as long as no one gets hurt.  Countless military personnel have been killed in an attempt to keep from harming civilians, knowing that if they shot a civilian they would be in court explaining it.  BOTH WAYS?

The examples of the “both ways” mentality failing us could fill volumes.  Where do we draw the line between getting results and the protection of our rights?  We all want our rights.  We all want results when it comes to punishing crimes.  How do we draw the line?  There is no perfect system.  At times we have to give a little to get a lot.  I, for one, want results and will be glad to weaken my demand for my freedoms to get them.  I am extremely proud of our brave military, firefighters, police, and others who give their lives to protect my freedoms and rights to the best of their abilities while trying to appease the “both ways” crowd at the same time. 

Bear Brooks
Author of:
A Jackass at Every Turn!  How to Act Like an American When Everyone Around You Will Not!

My new website

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I’m With Stupid, But I’m All Alone!

A politician’s self-evaluation.

I am a politician.  I have learned a few things about myself during my self-evaluation.  Here are a FEW things I have learned about myself after thinking about it for a while.

-I vote for bills that I have not read.

-I have my pages and secretaries read my bills for me and translate them to me.

-I do not vote with my beliefs, as I really do not have any of my own.

-I cannot make a decision, cast a vote, or answer any questions about any issue without checking with my party first.

-I vote for all of the pork I can get away with to buy votes.

-I know people will blindly follow me, no matter what I do, because of the D or R following my name at the ballot box.

-I know the average American will never know how I voted on issues.

-I believe America should never fight for ANYTHING unless it ends quickly and no one gets hurt, especially the enemy.

-I believe America is a great country because of our government, not because of great people or freedoms.

-I will vote for anything, in any way necessary, to go along with the party line, no matter what my personal beliefs are.

-I choose my beliefs based on polls.

-I may have voted for something last year, but this year I will be against it, because it is election time and I want those votes.

-I take all of the perks I can.

-I believe a budget shows what money HAS to be spent.  If there is a surplus, we will repave a road that does not need it.

-I believe purchases should be made with no logical decision about whether the price is right, as long as one of my constituents gets paid.

-I believe the rights of a few tree frogs are more important than the well being of people.

-I believe if ten people are offended by something then millions of others will have to change their lives to accommodate the wishes of those few.

-I believe it is better for me to spend time on renaming projects than to address more important issues facing America.

-I believe I do not need to show up for votes.

-I believe it is OK to accuse other politicians of wrongdoing in attempt to get a perjury conviction if they do not tell me what I want to hear.

-I believe all people have to be reliant on government so that I can stay in power.

-I believe over 50 percent of the population should not have to pay any taxes.  This will allow me to cater to them so that I will never lose power again.

-I believe in Socialism because it will get me more power, especially in schools and healthcare.

-I believe if we have nothing to do while in Congress we should make laws just to act like we accomplished something, no matter how silly the law is.

-I believe if a vote did not go my way then someone cheated, lied, or the machines were wrong, not that I possibly could have been the worse candidate.

-I believe we have to keep the IRS so that I will not lose power.


These are just a few things I have found out about myself and as I said, these are just a FEW of the things I believe in.  

I have to see my shrink now.

Oh, you want to know who I am?

I am YOUR politician.

If you are reading this nonsense, you need to be sure to educate yourself about your politicians, as everyone believes their politicians are great and it is the other politicians that are bad.  If you have a politician who has been in office for multiple terms you cannot blame the politician anymore, you have to blame the voters who keep putting that politician there.  A comfortable politician, who knows they will not get voted out of office, is a very, very bad thing.

2008 will be one of the most important elections of all time.  More importantly than anything, please get every informed person you can to get out and vote.  Friends, relatives, co-workers, or anyone else.  They will tell you that their vote will not count, but you can tell them that their vote will cancel out an ignorant vote of someone else.

Good luck,

Bear Brooks

Author of:
A Jackass at Every Turn!  How to Act Like an American When Everyone Around You Will Not!

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are destroying race relations in America.  It seems that Sharpton and Jackson believe the first amendment only applies to the black population.  Sharpton is a bigot, Jackson has a love-child, and neither of them believes in what their so-called reverend titles would imply.  Reverends?  Of what?  The church of bigotry, hypocrisy, and hatred, maybe?  Jackson’s phrase was “himeytown”, Sharpton’s was “white interlopers” and “jewelry merchants”, and Chris Rock’s phrase is “crazyass crackers”.  Everything is fine and should not be punished if said by a black person.  I for one will stand up for their right to say the idiotic things they have said.  I may not agree with them, but I will face the fact that they have the right to say what they want.  The only “nappy-headed ho” in this whole issue is Sharpton.  Sharpton is prostituting himself in the name of racism.  What is his motive?  It seems Sharpton is playing his race card well on this issue.

This issue with Don Imus means nothing when it comes to the relations between blacks and whites.  You WILL get offended in America, get used to it.  The only people in this World deserving an apology from Don Imus are the basketball players he was speaking of.  These girls at Rutgers are not little pre-schoolers running around on the playground.  They are tougher than anyone is giving them credit for.  If Imus called one of these girls a “ho” in public they would jump on him and beat the hell out of him or they would stand the higher ground and call him a “crazyass cracker”.  Either choice would have been justified. 

Anyone with a functioning mind could determine from the context of the conversation that Imus was bantering back and forth with another host attempting to be funny.  It did not work.  Anyone that is paid to talk will eventually run out of intelligent thought at times.  This is what I believe happened as the context was basically a bunch of gibberish trying to fill airtime.  As a black man stated on one radio show, “the worst thing Imus could be criticized for is speaking Ebonics without certification”.  I do not condone what he said, but I do believe that there is no reason why this issue has become a race war with the black population.  Black people do not want a race war with white people, but Sharpton and Jackson do.  This will keep them in the media spotlight for a while.  This is what they do.

If Sharpton wants a race war, he can have one.  He just does not realize that this war will not be between blacks and whites; it will be between Americans that believe in the first amendment (Americans of all ethnic backgrounds) and those that only blindly follow their bigoted leader Sharpton.  Leaders of the NAACP have spoken out that they do not believe in what Sharpton is doing and that they believe in the first amendment.  Many other leaders in the black community have spoken out also that they do not believe this issue is an issue at all.  In America, being a capitalist and free society, people vote with their wallets and their feet.  If people do not like what a radio host says, they change the channel.  Do we need to call for all Americans who believe in the first amendment to boycott all of the spineless, weak-kneed sponsors of MSNBC who pulled out?  It makes me sad that these companies are bowing down to Sharpton in shame as if they had just slapped their mothers.  Do we need to boycott ANY company who sponsors or condones what Sharpton is doing?  I say not just yes, but HELL YES!

I believe any company or individual condoning this man attempting to divide America should be punished.  Forget the fact that Sharpton has scared them into submission.  Let the numbers speak for themselves.  Let these companies decide if they want to appease Sharpton and the other bigots that join with him or suffer from the vast majority of Americans of all backgrounds voting with their wallets.  Decide what you think is right and vote accordingly.

The major problem with this whole situation is perception.  Al Sharpton is still trying to make all black people think they are still victims in America.  I believe race relations would improve if these so-called black leaders would teach black people to stand up for themselves by improving themselves, not by playing the victim and blaming racism for every problem in their lives.  Many blacks have stated on the television news and radio shows that they do not have time for this issue as it does not bother them.  Why, you ask?  Because they are too busy leading their lives, supporting and enjoying their families, and trying to improve themselves by not bogging themselves down in the “victim mentality” that does nothing for black America. 

Bear “crazyass cracker” Brooks
Author of:
A Jackass at Every Turn!  How to Act Like an American When Everyone Around You Will Not!

Government wastes for average Americans.

    Americans are creating a disaster that will cause this country to fail.  What is it?  Ignorance!  Why is it happening?  Apathy and indifference!  How do we fix it?  Education.

    Ignorance is not a curse.  It does not mean you are an idiot.  The average American will want to punch you in the face if you call them ignorant.  Ignorance is the lack of knowledge about a certain subject.  We (meaning every single person alive) are all ignorant in many ways and we have to do our best to cure ourselves of this problem.

    Bear in mind, when I say the average American, I mean the greater majority of Americans who go out there every day and work to support their families, not the silver-spoon babies who do not worry about where their next paycheck is going.

    The average American will not buy a newspaper, much less read it.  The average American will not buy a book.  The average American gets all, if any of their news and information from only one source; the nightly news.  All we have to do is look at all of the ratings for these television and radio news programs, add with it the circulations of all the newspapers in America, and you will soon figure out that the vast majority of Americans do not get ANY news from ANY source.

    As you can see, there is a reason our wonderful politicians get away with robbery when it comes to spending our money.  They get away with it because the greater majority of us never hear about it.  We just keep chugging along in our daily lives.  We go to work.  We come home.  We try to enjoy our families.  We try to enjoy life, not bothering with the nonsense happening every day in Washington D.C..  The average American does not fully understand the severity and impact government wastes have on each and every American in the United States.  Every penny being wasted comes out of the taxpayer’s pockets.  I do not know about you, but I do not have money to throw away.

    The average American thinks it is just fine for the government to tax businesses and corporations because they think the government is taxing the rich.  The average American thinks it is wonderful that businesses and corporations lose in enormous lawsuits.  No one has told everyone in America that each and every dime taken away from a business or corporation will result in increased prices of goods and services.  These actions basically cause every dime in taxes and lawsuits levied on businesses to come out of the pockets of us ignorant Americans that do not know better.

    What can we do?  We have to educate the average Americans about what is happening in Congress and with our politicians.  How can we do it?  We need someone with a few friends to come up with a FREE newspaper or newsletter that can be viewed by every single person in America.  A FREE newspaper with no partisan politics, just the truth about how politicians are wasting our money and making decisions that the average American would think are idiotic.  How do we get this paper to every American economically?  We use the greatest distribution network in the World.  We get Wal-Mart to distribute the newspaper to their stores for free in exchange for free advertising in the newspaper.  The average American does go to Wal-Mart.  Why advertising, you ask?  The newspaper would have to be highly funded.  With such a litigious society as ours, thousands of fraudulent lawsuits would result after the truth gets out about all of the fraud and robbery being perpetrated on us by our wonderful politicians.  It would also take a great deal of money to print 200 million newspapers or more every time it gets distributed.

    As you can see, I have just offered up a great idea to anyone willing to take it to task.  Advertising would sell out instantly if priced correctly.  Where else in advertising could a company get exposure to that many people?  Nowhere.  I believe the idea would work; it would just take some open-minded people to get it started.
           
    You may be asking yourself, why would anyone waste their time with this?  The result of getting the truth of government wastes exposed is that we would actually be able to get the information to the people that can repair the situation; the voters.  Information to the vast majority of voters that do not get ANY news could actually start a grass-roots movement to throw these wasteful politicians out of office.  Ignorant voters blindly keep voting these wasteful pork and barrel politicians into office.

    We can fix government wastes if we start at the bottom.  Get the information to the voters and you will soon see an uprising to change America for the better.  Can you think of a better idea?  If so, try it.  We cannot continue being ignorant.  We cannot allow this waste to continue and expect America to continue being the greatest economic power in the World.

Bear Brooks
Author of:
A Jackass at Every Turn!  How to Act Like an American When Everyone Around You Will Not!

 

The six degrees of separation and the collaboration of obfuscation.

Politicians and the people that help them stay in power seem to be more closely related than we think.  We just have to dig a little deeper to find out how.  The “six degrees of separation” theory is more pertinent than previously believed.  This “six degrees of separation” is a theory of the association of people through fewer and fewer connections, or the game based on how any actor can be related through six or fewer connections to Kevin Bacon.  Well, as it turns out, this theory can also be used to connect our wonderful politicians, their friends, contributors, spouses, and to others. This theory allows us to trace the money and power trail back to every prior decision they have ever made.

Our politicians and their associates are not stupid (at least we hope not), it just seems that way.  They are forward looking individuals and groups who know what needs to be done today to scare people into submission and in turn get their programs in place for their long term plans for tomorrow.  Every bill, every cause they promote, and every movement they make seem to make the average American think that politicians are just idiots, but there is always a long term agenda that we are unaware of.

Is there man-made Global warming?  The sun is hotter than ever, Mars is hotter than ever, and it is a provable fact that volcanoes alone have contributed more sulfur, carbon monoxide, and carbon dioxide into our atmosphere than humans have, or will ever.  Mt. St. Helens had ash falling all over the country.  Cow flatulence was the next to blame, then meat eaters, who is next?  The preachers of this hidden agenda have money and notoriety to gain.  You can do research on any person claiming that global warming is man made and you will see why they are preaching this nonsense.  Al Gore claims he is buying “carbon offsets” to make himself “carbon neutral”.  From what I have heard, he is basically buying shares of a company that pushes these “greener earth” programs, which in turn, rewards him monetarily as if he were investing in the stock market.  Basically, you need to look down the road as Mr. Gore has and find out where he is going with this.  Every scientist has grants, funding, and contributors requiring him or her to keep going with what they believe is true.  Dig deeper and you will find out what the relation is. 

Why is Congress issuing fishing expeditions for perjury convictions without a law being broken in the first place?  What is the motivation?  Is it power or is it bragging rights looking forward to the next elections?  Who are the benefactors for such moves?  This is not a partisan issue as they all do it.  It has been wrong in every case, no matter which party was in control at the time. 

Why are they taxing businesses to buy art for a city, such as in Atlanta?  $10 million to purchase art?  Trace the money and find out where it goes.  Who charges the city for labor and material overages?  How much goes to the artists?  Who contributes to the politicians campaign funds and gives them perks?  How much will get wasted before any of this garbage gets placed around our city in the name of art?  Do you know what you get when you polish garbage?  YOU GET SHINY GARBAGE.

Follow the money trail, follow the power, and you will find the corruption and the underlying meaning for all of the idiotic decisions made by politicians that us average Americans have no control over and do not understand.  Each American out there needs to be their own watchdog on every issue they read or hear about.  Politicians have spouses, parents, children, relatives, business partners and others who also have spouses, parents, children, relatives, business partners, and others who all spin the web in millions of other directions to make politics one great collaboration of obfuscation.

Be a skeptic, if that is what you want to call it.  More importantly than anything, you have to be able to ask the question to these politicians, WHY!  Why spend all of our money on such foolishness?  I want the TRUTH.  It is our money; let us keep some of it.

Thank you and GOOD LUCK,

Bear Brooks

Author of:

A Jackass at Every Turn!  How to Act Like an American When Everyone Around You Will Not!

The Pork Barrels and Their Pork Bellies

This will be a little unsettling to a lot of people. These jackasses are the people who decided a long time ago that their ambition in life was to work for the good old U.S. government. I will briefly describe them and then give you a solution or at least a plan to prevent yourself from becoming a jackass too.

First and foremost is our esteemed Mr. Bill Clinton. We all know he received “special attention” from his intern while in the White House. I will be the first American to say this: I do not care whether Clinton received a BJ while he was president. Do you really think he is the first U.S. president to receive sexual favors from women? As with any powerful or public figure, you have to understand that women actually throw themselves at these men. Women have half the money and all the… Women have the greatest power in regards to having sex; they decide when it will happen and if it will happen. If a women wants to go out and have sex, all she has to do is go to a bar and pick any man from a group, look at his finger for a wedding band (single men are easier), and go for it. Unless she is butt ugly, odds are she will be going home with someone else. A man who brags to his buddies, “Hey guys, I’m going to get laid tonight,” and goes to the same bar will come out alone and end up alone masturbating that same evening at home. If you believe that Clinton had to pursue this woman, then you are too naïve to vote anyway, and this book will not make any sense to you.

I think Clinton is a jackass because of the list of wrongdoings and lies he committed and because of the failures he achieved as our president. Whether you believe it or not, he deserves a personal life just like the rest of us; however, the rest of us, I hope, are not cheating on our wives. We all know that what he received was not “sex” though, because he said so. Mr. I-Got-Mine, Now-You-Get-Yours-Elsewhere has our little daughters and sons believing oral sex is not sex. We are now hearing reports of girls allowing boys to have anal sex with them because they believe that anal sex allows them to retain their virginity. What a crock! We did not need to spend millions just to prove he cheated on his wife; his lies and perjury are a different story. As for Clinton’s political views, we see these failures come out of the woodwork on a weekly basis. The jury is still out on Mr. Bush.

Mrs. Clinton, on the other hand, will be running for president in 2008, and she will probably win. This woman stood by her man through sex scandals and a thousand other ridiculous issues while she was probably thinking, “What a jackass.” She was just biting her tongue, waiting for her chance to jump into the spotlight. She did jump into the senate and, while still in office, signed and got advanced money on her book, all the while skirting the laws against public officials receiving money for book deals. She timed it just right, so that the deal wouldn’t be sent to court. You have to understand that more than 50 percent of the population is female, and the majority of these women will put their beliefs aside just to see a woman in the White House. Add these women to the other ignorant party-line voters out there, and she will be a shoo-in. This will of course backfire in the long run, as they will soon find out this lady’s plans for America. This woman wants America to be a Socialist society in which everyone relies on government for everything. She does not want Americans thinking for themselves or being responsible for their own actions. She wants the government to handle all health care, just like it does in other countries. She neglects to tell you that in these other countries it takes several months just to see a doctor for a routine procedure. Other countries have people dying because they cannot get the medical attention they need. She also neglects to tell you that her plan will not let you see the doctor you want. You will not be allowed to pay for a quicker service out of your own pocket because that would be antisocialist.

No one will tell you that we are paying more than $350,000 for Bill Clinton’s office space in Harlem, New York. We will spend more on his office than we have for any other president in history. Not just a little more but a massive amount more. Does the mainstream media tell the general public that while Bill Clinton was president he told the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) to treat any plane his wife was on like Air Force One? There is no telling how much it cost American taxpayers to hold airplanes and passengers at the airport gates while waiting on Mrs. Clinton.

I will get off the Clintons now, because it would take me several books to detail all their wrongdoings, including the ones we have not yet seen. Look over your shoulder. As we all know, the government is full of hypocrites and jackasses. So, we will continue on into the meat of the issues.

Lawmakers are jackasses. If the Constitution of the United States were written today, it would be more than 1,000 pages long. Maybe our forefathers needed the extra paper for the outhouse or something. First and foremost, why do we have so many laws? No human in the world could possibly attempt to learn even 10 percent of the laws on the books. How could the average American know and abide by them? There are more laws than there are people in some areas. It takes over a thousand pages of studies, claims, statements, and details to make one simple law. One set of laws overlaps others, some laws step on top of others, and some just completely contradict others. We do not need a different set of laws for every single level of government, all the way down to the sewer authority. Why can we not have one set of laws for Americans at the federal level and let the lower jurisdictions follow these and alter them to fit their particular situations? This way, if you have a federal law, it is still in effect in East Bumblefudge, New Jersey, or wherever you may live. A perfect example is the Alabama state Constitution that contradicts the U.S. Constitution in some areas. Ask Judge Moore about it.

Why are there so many stupid laws on the books? Who was the rocket scientist that came up with the law that you cannot have sex with corpses or dead animals? Is the general public that stupid? Laws also get in the way of common sense, as they did in the California forest fires. As soon as one of the forest fires started, there was a helicopter full of water within five minutes from the fire, at which point they had to turn back because of a law that says state choppers must be grounded at dusk. What a shame that a stupid regulation caused billions of dollars in damage to California. Lets go make some more laws.

Consider: oral sex is illegal with your spouse in some states. You are not allowed to have sex in a butcher’s freezer. You cannot milk another person’s cow. Liquor stores cannot sell milk. Drive-up ATMs must have Braille on them. You cannot drive blindfolded. You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub. You cannot talk dirty during sex, and only the missionary position is legal. Men cannot wear gowns in some areas. You cannot shoot game animals from moving vehicles. The list goes to no end.

What makes members of Congress think it is just fine to give themselves a raise? With the economy in shambles, bankruptcies up, unemployment high, and everything in disarray, they find it a great time to raise their paychecks. I did not get a raise; did you? There are so many companies on the verge of bankruptcy, yet they are paying their CEOs millions of dollars in extra benefits. I will explain more of this in a later section. What part of economics did I miss? Do they think if you pay them more they will do a better job? This never works in the real world. Members of Congress must be special!

Political party affiliations are for jackasses. I will start this off by stating an unknown fact: the Democrats are not for the poor, and neither are the Republicans for the rich. Both parties have one goal in mind: to stay in power in any way they can. All laws, bills, actions, and other legal matters that politicians have wasted time on are slanted toward protecting their party. Every news article or report is slanted, so the facts favor their party whether or not it is true. Winning is everything to politicians.

Democrats are jackasses. They believe they are the only ones that know how to spend your money. The Democrats want everyone on welfare, Social Security, and other programs so that when everyone is reliant on the government, they will never lose power. They want to control your economic life but want you to have some control over your personal matters. Democrats want more environmental laws. They want no gay marriages, but they want gays to have the same rights as married couples. They want strong gun control. The party wants socialized, government-controlled health care. They want to hold hands with other countries preaching peace. They want abortion to be legal. They want education to be controlled by the government, to fail more children in the future. They want to keep the failure of a Social Security system. They want more people to be on welfare.

Republicans are jackasses. They do, however, want more self-reliance in economic matters, fewer taxes, and less self-control over your personal lives. The rich just happen to benefit as a result of lower taxes. Republicans want to be more self-sufficient with our environment and our natural resources. They are against gay marriage and benefits. They do not want more gun control. They want a free market system for health care. Republicans want a stronger military and a missile defense system to protect us. They are against abortion. They want to allow free choice in education and to strengthen discipline in schools with zero tolerance (which is a joke). They want to privatize the Social Security system and privatize welfare so churches will distribute money to the needy.

Libertarians want you to have freedom in both your economic and personal matters. To Libertarians, less government is more. They want the United States to responsibly get our own natural resources. They want gays to have the freedom to be so if they desire. They want no gun laws and a free market health-care system. They want to stay out of foreign affairs that do not pertain to America. They believe the government should stay out of the abortion debate. The Libertarians want to privatize education and the Social Security system. They also believe churches and individuals should be responsible to give money to the needy.

Most Americans have no idea which party they actually believe in. They believe what they hear on the news and other television shows. Before you decide which party you belong to, you need to research all the parties and all the issues and choose one that best fits your beliefs. Do not say you are a Democrat because your parents were; that is ignorant. Get on the Internet and see for yourself how you feel by taking the world’s smallest political quiz (www.boortz.com is one location). This quiz is all over the Internet, and most people are surprised to find out they are actually Libertarian when they thought they were Democrat or Republican. Choosing a party used to come down to deciding between the lesser of two evils, but now you have a real choice, with several other parties to pick from. Good luck with whichever party you choose.

Wasteful spenders in the government are jackasses. I think before the government can spend any money on nonstandard issues, they should have to notify the public (in a well-publicized manner) of what they plan to do. Not that I would dare believe in mob rule, but public notification would give the people a chance to chew on their elected officials before such a vote could occur. A republic such as ours should not let our elected officials run rampant with our money without our knowledge. Why did a previous secretary of defense stay at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons Hotel at a cost of more than $10,000 to the American taxpayers? Such waste. I do not know how you feel, but I do not understand how we are spending millions of dollars studying the mating habits of brown bears or the life cycles of tree frogs, when we have other important issues facing America. Find somewhere else to blow it, or do away with these useless programs, and watch our budget get back in the black really quickly. If the government wants to blow money that badly, just send me $500,000, and I will tell you what tree frogs do. They are born, eat, sleep, sh*t, mate, and die…same as humans. Where is my money?

Consider this:

· $3.6 million was spent to create a wall to keep frogs from getting killed on the highway in Florida

· Another $3.6 million went to team building exercises for the postal service

· $1.8 million was spent to study how algae act in hot water

· $9.5 million went to fund studies on wood

· $170 million was spent to hand out condoms all over the world

· $4 million went to study shrimp

· $1 million went to study oysters

· $8.5 million went to study monk seals and sea turtles

Our Advanced Technology Program gives hundreds of millions of dollars away every year to the biggest corporations in America, such as IBM, GE, Ford, GM, and many others. Can you believe our government is giving tax dollars to the richest companies in America? See the Heritage Foundation (www.heritage.org) and Citizens Against Government Waste (www.cagw.org) for more details. When will this stupidity stop?

The basic financial concept is the same in any business (and that is what our government is): if you cut spending, you will increase the bottom line. Any amount you do not spend goes directly to the net profit column. Some politicians think a budget is an outline showing what must be spent. This is not the case. Budgets are guidelines on what you think it will cost to run a business. Just because you have budgeted to spend x amount of money on building and improving roads, that does not mean at the end of the fiscal year you go out and start repaving roads that do not need repaving (this is how it happens where I live) just to use all the money. We have roads full of potholes, a poor drainage system, poor street lighting, poor traffic control, and numerous other dangerous situations, and we find our wonderful government repaving a road that was fine just to spend the money.

The voting system is run by jackasses. Do you know why we cannot vote on the weekends? Voting on weekends would favor Republicans. Currently, the people most likely to get to the polls are retired people, unemployed people, government workers, and welfare recipients. These people are usually the ones coddled by Democrats. Democrats know that the typical Republican voter usually works on Tuesday or drives fifty miles to work and has a hard time getting to the polls. When you have businesses to run or jobs that really need you to be there, it is hard to take time off to vote. The lines are too long, the locations too few, and the system is in shambles no matter which way you look at it. As for the voting procedures such as hanging chads and so forth, if you are too stupid to figure out a polling booth, you need to be at home playing shuffleboard, or whatever it is you know how to do. Do not turn up after the results are not what you wanted and say you were disenfranchised or something stupid. The only thing keeping you from the polls is yourself or your eight children. Do not blame anyone else for not being able to vote. It is your responsibility.

Ignorant voters are jackasses. If you have no idea about the issues or the candidates, you need to stay at home. An ignorant vote cancels out a well-informed vote every time. This just puts the voting results on how many stupid people go to the polls. Let the people who know what is going on vote on the candidates.

Party-line voters are jackasses. If you go into the polls and vote straight down the line for either Democrats or Republicans, you are stupid. Stay home. Once again, you are canceling out someone else’s well-informed vote. If you would look at the issues and the candidates, you would figure out that neither all Republicans nor all Democrats have all the answers. There are always cases in which a Republican voter finds that a Democratic candidate would do a much better job. A perfect example is Democratic Senator Zell Miller from Georgia. Republican voters vote for Miller over their own Republican candidate all the time. He is not afraid to go against the Democratic Party to stand up for what he believes in. This is something you never see in politics. You need to go into that polling booth and read the names of the candidates for each office. If you do not know either one of the candidates, do not vote on that office. All you are doing is supporting the failures of the voting system. We have intelligent voters going to the polls, knowing that their votes will not count but will just cancel out the ignorant votes. When someone tells you, “My vote won’t count,” tell them, “Yes, it will. It will cancel out a stupid vote.”

Property rights abusers are jackasses. We hear too many cases of someone losing their land because some local government official decides that their land would be of better use belonging to a corporation or to themselves. Just as well, this program of eminent domain would not work with the masses. In some cases, we need to sell our property (at a fair market price) to the government. I do not think a corporation should be able to convince the local government that they would get more tax revenue if the corporation owned it. I do not think tax revenue should ever be the issue when trying to take someone’s land. I can understand in the case of needing to build a new road to ease traffic congestion or a lake to build power generators due to population increases but never just to make more money. Big corporations can get their land the way everyone else does: overpay for it.

Anyone keeping our failing tax system in place is a jackass. The average American works over three months in one year to cover their yearly tax bill. I know taxes are a necessary evil, but we need to revamp this system now! The biggest problem is the politicians spawning ignorance among the voters. The people think a 10 percent tax cut across the board is giving something extra to the rich. This is stupid. 10 percent is 10 percent. A $400 tax refund means nothing to a millionaire, but it means a great deal to a normal working family of four. This is the same situation, only reversed. I do not know about you, but the tax refund check I received in 2003 helped me a great deal. I know the average American family does not make over $40,000 a year.

As with any other government plan, there are abuses within the system. A prime example: toll roads. Toll roads are supposed to take a tax burden off the citizens. The roads are supposed to take tolls until the road building is paid for, and then it reverts back to a normal road. This is not the case in any area I have seen. Someone figured out that they could keep charging tolls and use the money elsewhere to benefit them in another way. You hear stories of toll road money being used miles away to purchase land for other projects. Let the people keep their money.

Why are our tax laws thousands of pages long? Should it be that difficult to figure out that you make an income on wages, home sale profits, stock profits, or any other profit, and you should pay x percent of that income as taxes. Why does the average American need to pay (with money they do not have) for a tax professional to do tax paperwork? If you are like me, you do not have a thousand pages of tax documents. You probably have one W-2 form to fill out, a house, maybe two cars, and numerous children. It should be simple. There is too much room in the laws for cheaters and crooks to manipulate the system.

Don’t tell anyone about the fair tax system because it makes too much sense. If you are unaware, there have been bills put in Congress to revamp our tax system with a fair tax plan. This tax plan would basically let you keep 100 percent of your paycheck. You would only pay taxes on items you’ve purchased. They are trying the fair tax system now in Iraq. The rate is set at only 15 percent. Ours is about 23 percent. The fair tax system would take the burden off of the companies producing goods. This would allow them to drop prices 20 to 30 percent because they would not have to pay taxes. Everyone would get a rebate check every month based on the size of their family to take the tax burden off the poor. You would not pay this tax on used items such as homes and cars. This system has many opponents, especially those in government who love to be in power. This 23 percent would cover the cost of all aspects of government, including Social Security and Medicare. See www.fairtax.org for more information. Neal Boortz and John Linder have a book about this plan, guaranteed to cure your ignorance on the issue.

The people in charge of our borders are jackasses. Our borders are our first line of defense against evil coming into our country. We should not have to worry every day about who is entering our country with drugs, weapons, or other illegal items. We have no enforcement at our borders. There are hundreds upon hundreds of miles of unguarded, ungated border along the Mexican border. The Canadian border is a joke too, but we have not had a vast amount of Canadians pouring into our country. In Mexico, we have hundreds of people dying every year while trying to cross the border in desert areas. If you are not aware, the desert gets blistering hot during the day and ice cold at night. In the southwestern United States, there are citizens leaving food and water out for Mexicans crossing the border so they will not die.

In California, the previous governor was attempting to give illegal aliens the right to a driver’s license. The next logical step after this is the right to vote. Does anyone else see a problem with this? California already has a budget crisis, and the politicians in California want to start giving illegal aliens rights. This will be a never-ending program of giveaways that California cannot afford. The biggest reason for these programs is so that politicians can get illegal aliens to vote for them. I have no problem with anyone coming to America legally. Diversity is what makes this country great. We will never live in a perfect society in which everyone always gets along, but we can try to get along with one another.

The next argument is that illegal aliens contribute to our society. This may be the case, but illegal aliens do not contribute to the current tax system that will be supporting them with free health care and benefits. They may contribute to beer, wine, and cigarette sales, but they do not pay taxes. Legal aliens pay their taxes. Is this fair? Illegal aliens work at places like construction sites, chicken-processing plants, and so forth that do not take taxes out of their paychecks because these organizations pay them in cash or personal checks. Is this fair to other Americans paying over 30 percent of their income in taxes? There is another argument against illegal aliens’ work wages. They work below minimum wage laws, and this hurts other Americans trying to support their families. The minimum wage in America is far higher than what the majority of people in Mexico will ever earn. Some people will say these people with low-paying jobs in America should just get better educated so they will not have to compete with the illegal aliens; but that will never happen. The world will always be full of jobs that have to be performed cheaply. Manure will always have to be shoveled. If I had no job, I would be glad to shovel manure to put food on the table if I had to. When it comes down to it, there is no job in the world that is beneath you. You just have to work harder to keep yourself out of that situation.

The people in charge of foreign aid and policies are jackasses. This is a very aggravating issue to many Americans. The normal American, like myself, wonders every day why all of our tax money goes away to other countries. Even countries that hate us with a passion get millions of our dollars in aid and assistance. We have homeless and needy people in America, and we keep wasting money giving to other countries. I can understand helping to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan. How many billions of dollars are wasted? How many homeless shelters could be built with that money? Just think, we could build a homeless motel with 200 to 300 rooms in every major city in the United States with all the money that is thrown away. The homeless people could work for the upkeep of the motels to earn their keep.

Another foreign-aid failure is our stupidity in selling weapons to other countries. How long will it take politicians to figure out that our own weapons keep getting used against us? Do they not understand that the Clinton administration sold major nuclear weapon and intelligence plans to China? Do they understand that this is going to bite us on the backside?

The people causing our jobs to be exported are jackasses. Large corporations do not open large offices overseas and directly offshore for the scenic ocean view. Large companies open offices elsewhere to cut down on taxes and over regulation by our government. We do not make it favorable for these companies to keep their offices, factories, and warehouses in America. Keep America employed first.

Whoever is really in charge of our public works system is a jackass. Only in America will you see people paving roads that do not need to be paved and leaving roads right beside them riddled with potholes. Roads are too narrow and prone to flooding, and there are numerous other problems; however, we continue to do unneeded work with too many workers. Look around you and think of all that we waste for a minute. I was on the road the other day, and I saw clusters of halogen lights on eighty-foot poles lighting the exit ramps and entrance ramps of a rural road thirty miles outside of Atlanta, Georgia. This is the only road on I-75 in the area with lighting of any kind. Not to mention that halogen lamps cost 50 percent more to operate than the traditional vapor lights. They are not just lighting the roadway but every foot of the entrance and exit ramps. They are powering over twenty-four halogen lamps per ramp (ninety-six lamps total) on a road that I have never seen a pedestrian go through.

Do road builders not understand that curves should be banked to the inside of the curve? Other countries seem to understand this strange concept. We have a great deal of road deaths every year because some rocket scientist figured we should build roads with curves that are flat or roll outward. How many more people have to die before they figure this out?

The people in charge of the prison system are jackasses. Why is more money spent to house a prisoner than some people live on in a year? We have people living on $12,000 a year, but the government figures it pays over $20,000 a year per prisoner. Where is all of this waste coming from? Maybe we should quit spoiling them with televisions, bodybuilding equipment, exercise mats, good food, or whatever makes their lives miserable. No one said prison was supposed to be a country club. If food costs are the problem, hire someone to bring the food in for cheaper. As for this ridiculous death row nonsense, I, along with the majority, want to know why it takes over a quarter century to put someone to death after a conviction. I think in an open-and-shut case, with very strong evidence, the death sentence should be carried out within a year. If you have proof on video or a mob of witnesses, and there is no doubt they committed the crime, kill them quickly. Brian Nichols, the judge killer from Atlanta, pleaded not guilty after shooting a judge, a court reporter, and two police officers. His case will take forever. Why? There is no question of his guilt or innocence. He is a murderer, and I think in this type of case, you skip the trial and go straight to the sentencing phase. It does not matter if he says he was insane or not. You do the crime, you do the time. There should be no reasoning to explain why he would commit this type of a crime. I personally do not care why he is crazy. He is a worthless piece of trash and needs to pay for his crimes. He needs to stand in front of the Atlanta police force and get shot in the stomach, slowly, time after time, until he dies. Shooting him in the head would be too quick and too painless. A year is more than enough time to exhaust any appeals and beg the governor for forgiveness. After that, you have to go!

Those in charge of making federal holidays are jackasses. We do not need a federal holiday every single time someone important dies. Government employees already have more days off during the year than do other Americans. Who do you think pays for all these holidays? That’s right, you do!

We do not need to rename every road on the federal highway system after someone. Do we need to rename every hospital after someone? When I die, put my name on an urn and throw it in the ocean; that will be your tribute to me. Do the people who make these changes understand the costs to you and to every other taxpayer? Every business, person, and entity on that road has to get all new letterheads, envelopes, address stamps, bank records, checks, and not to mention business cards for all their employees. The business ultimately passes these costs onto you, in the form of higher prices for whatever product or service they are selling. If you get a chance take a look at the bills Congress is debating on, usually there will be over fifty different bills on renaming projects. What a colossal waste of time and money!

Am I the only person in America who thinks it is ridiculous to name an airport (Atlanta–Hartsfield) after a dead mayor, then try to rename it after another mayor dies? This is not the way it should be. What are you supposed to tell the grieving relatives of the person you are taking the legacy away from? Oh no, we were only renaming the airport after your husband for twenty years, then giving it to someone else. Did you know that after you are dead for twenty years, everything you are remembered for gets taken away? Some people seem to think so. It does not matter who was the greater person. I think it is disgraceful to dishonor someone in this manner.

The people looking after our inner cities are jackasses. How hard is it to pass a law that says if you own a building in the downtown area, you have to choose to keep it in good condition, sell it, or tear it down? Am I being simpleminded? I do not think so. We spend millions of dollars making laws with thousands of pages, but something this simple could be written on one sheet of paper. Make it the “clean it, junk it, or sell it” law. I ought to right laws for a living. One last note: you cannot rename a street infested with hookers and crime and make it sound sweet and innocent.

The war in the East is full of jackasses; none of which are the soldiers. To all you antiwar crybabies, you have to decide if you want to fight terrorism in the Middle–East, or do you want to fight them in downtown New York, Dallas, Los Angeles, or your hometown. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, and I believe we are doing that by not letting them scare us into submission.

Did you know our soldiers have to find their own way home after fighting for our country? They take them to an eastern U.S. airport, pat them on theass, and say “See you in two weeks.” I am one American who thinks this is just idiotic. Millions are spent on a single warhead, but nothing is spent to get the soldiers home to their families.

The Democratic Party is really making an assof themselves in regards to the war. All we ever hear about is: where are the weapons of mass destruction (WMD)? Did any of the Democrats ever hear of the scorched-earth tactic in war that has been used for centuries to screw up the aggressors? When and if we do ever find WMD in Iraq, the Democrats or the liberal media will spin it into a new lie, saying that Bush staged it, and that we planted the weapons. Everyone knows he had WMD; he used them to murder thousands of northern Iraqi dissidents. Do you think Saddam Hussein is dumb enough to be caught with them? I don’t. Hussein may be a nutcase dictator and murderer, but he is not stupid. Everyone in Iraq was so afraid of him that not one person, not one, voted against him in their election. You have to be pretty powerful and intelligent to screw a whole country over and smile while doing the screwing. It would have taken only one bullet to solve this situation, long before it escalated to this point. Someone decided years ago that U.S.-sponsored assassinations were illegal, but that does not mean someone else could not have performed this gift to society.

Does anyone in America know why all the European countries, such as France and Germany, hate us unless they need something or need someone to come to their rescue? France and Germany loved us during the World Wars but not now. Only until this terrorist war shows up on their soil, will they hate us. When the war on terrorism shows up in their countries, they will be squealing to the United States and the United Nations, “Help us, we love you!” Everyone you hear about in the news media shows hatred toward Americans. Whether it is out of jealousy, lack of freedom, tyranny, or whatever, these countries show hatred, most likely born out of ignorance. In eastern countries, the burning of the American flag seems to be a pastime. These countries preach hatred toward us, but their countries have thousands of our troops helping and protecting them. It seems to me that Germany is a second home to all the armed forces personnel. Everyone I know or have heard of in the armed forces has done their time in Germany. Why do we not get our troops out and let these countries fend for themselves? I think all our troops that are in countries that hate us would be better appreciated here in the United States, where they are needed more. Could we actually secure our borders with extra troops? No, that would make too much sense. I am not saying bring all the troops home but reduce the numbers according to each individual situation.

If the American people will think for a while about the issues in this book and act intelligently and not emotionally, we will still push for Republicans and Libertarians and still head uphill on this roller-coaster economy ride we have been riding in the past.

Good Luck!

Bear Brooks

Author of “A Jackass at Every Turn”

“I Do Not Pay for Sex; I’m Married.” (Yeah, Right!)

Family and money are two of the most important things in my life; do not screw around with either of them! There are many issues regarding your family and home life that you have to deal with on a daily basis. You have to be on alert; due to the number of ways people can attack you and your wallet at home. I will discuss many different areas of home life, including both married and single people, because everyone has things they need to improve.

Dating is for jackasses. Most people go through their early dating years being shy and withdrawn. There are many factors that cause this. Sometimes, it is the fear of rejection; for others, it is the fear of commitment. For those shy people, you need to just jump in headfirst and ask the other person out. All you have to lose is your pride if you get rejected. You will usually get rejected, so if you get out there and get a few out of the way, it will toughen you up. The fear and hurt feelings go away, and you will have more confidence the next time. All the other person can do is say, “No,” but they could surprise you and say, “Yes.”

Do not try to go to bars to find your future wife (if you’re looking for sex, that’s different). If you find your wife at a bar, you will probably find out later that she will go to bars without you when you are married. Some people are lucky and find their wives in bars and live happily ever after, but these cases are definitely not the majority. Do not go looking for a spouse! Let it just happen. Do not put pressure on someone to commit to you, or it will backfire.

Dating costs a great deal of money. Try to find ways to have fun with a date that will not eat up your paycheck. Go on nature walks, go to parks, have a picnic, etc., to keep costs down. When I was dating, every date would eat me alive with movies, dinner, drinks, popcorn, candy, and the giant list of overpriced things you will be paying for. I am not saying take her to Krystal’s for dinner, but be aware of your budget. I know of people who would not have money to eat lunch for the next week because they used their all their money trying to impress women on Friday and Saturday of the previous week. If you have to impress the person you are pursuing, then you need to stop and rethink your goals. I have had women that wanted me to spend money on them, and it backfired every time. I did not have money for dating. My best dates involved a woman coming to my apartment, renting a movie, ordering pizza, and making a few mixed drinks; the entire evening cost about $20 to $25. You cannot have a few drinks at a bar for that price.

Dating is emotionally draining. Each person has to contend with questions of adequacy. How was the other person’s sex life before me? How do I compare to the previous partner? Am I funny enough? Endowed enough? Am I too fat? These and thousands of other questions bounce around in your head. All I can tell you is if you want to be happy, you will have to go through many dates, many emotional roller-coasters, and a vast amount of money before you find someone who will put up with your quirks and issues. This is the key to a happy relationship: finding someone that will put up with you. Most people can change very little when it comes to relationships. Do not ever think you can find a supermodel who is a bitchand turn her into June Cleaver. It will never happen.

Men, you have to remember one thing: women have 100 percent of the power when it comes to dating. They decide when, where, if, and for how long you are going to date. You decide how much money is in your wallet (and bank account). Men always act like they are studs to their buddies when they first start to date a women, but every man that has been married knows the single guy is always full of sh*t. Everything a single guy says about first dates with new women are usually false. If anything he says sounds like bragging, he is lying. Guys will say they have this new girl wrapped around their finger, or that they have the greatest sex in the world. Ask the woman, and you will find the truth.

Married people are jackasses. Marriage is like a hot sex dream: both are better when you are asleep! Single people cannot even begin to understand the ups and downs of being married. You may be shacked-up with someone, but believe me, it is not the same as being married. “Money isn’t everything” is what we hear all the time (from people who haven’t got any). Well I’ve got news for you: it is, when it comes to getting married, having children, and living a normal life. To be a good spouse and a parent means having a good job and a steady income; this is the most important thing you must have. If you do not have a steady job and income, you need to stay single, unless you are marrying into money. You need to live well beneath what you can afford. You need to buy a house for $20,000 less than you think you can afford. Do not try to impress people with your vehicle. I sold a $35,000 truck and bought myself a 1986 Toyota 4Runner to save money. I know what sacrifice is.

Marriage is a huge sacrifice in every aspect of your life (if you want to stay married). You had better be emotionally stable and happy with yourself before you get married. A marriage is emotionally draining. You have to be willing to think of yourself last when it comes to marriage and to your children. If you cannot do this, you need to marry your hand or personal massager. Women have mood swings; men have mood swings, and both will make each partner want to kill each other. Do not think you can go to bed mad either because you will both wake up mad, and the fight (which was probably pointless to begin with) will continue on into the next day. In most cases these days, people find that they cannot get along and end up getting divorced.

Divorced people are jackasses. Some people are professionals at divorce, and I am not talking about the therapists. If you have been divorced two or more times, you may want to think about yourself first, then think about what you are looking for in a spouse. If you have been divorced multiple times, you may want to think back and decide if you actually put your spouse’s wants and needs in front of your own. If you know you did all you can and you put your spouse’s needs first, then you may want to change the standards you are looking for. If you keep looking for a supermodel, that is what you will get. Most women are not supermodels, and from what I have seen, the best wives and mothers are attractive but are not supermodels. If you are a woman looking for a “hunk,” you will find one, but you will soon know what he is a “hunk” of. Attractiveness goes hand in hand with shallowness. Try to find someone you are compatible with, and I do not mean just sexually. Any two jackasses can have sex and dumb-asses breed new dumb-asses.

The divorce law system is nothing but jackasses. Everyone knows some man who has been trounced in the courts when it comes to divorce, alimony, and child support. I personally know several men who have been screwed hard by the system. I know one man who has to pay $1,200 a month to his ex-wife for child support, when he only brings home $1,800 a month after taxes. He has to live with his parents; otherwise, he would have to go on welfare to be able to live. Great system. Another friend has an ex-wife getting $1,800 a month, and the wife always made more than $75,000 a year by herself; the husband makes around $50,000. Now the wife gets an additional $21,600 a year, and do you think she spends any of this money on the children? Fat chance. This system has failed miserably. I can understand deadbeat dads needing to be hunted down and publicly humiliated, but this divorce system needs to be changed. I could not pay my wife $1,200 to $1,800 a month in support; it would be cheaper to kill her.

Parents are jackasses. Do your children a favor before you have them, and get prepared. You have to be prepared to put your life on hold for a minimum of three years, from the time your children are born, before you can start to resume any type of normal life. If you cannot stop your partying, drinking, going to the movies, and having fun, then you had better not have children (unless you want to be another sorry parent). You will not have a social life to speak of. You do not need to dump your kids off with everyone else so you can go out and party. My wife and I have been out to eat one time, in 2003, and that was our anniversary. The remainder of the time, we are full-time babysitters. We have two careers and two children. The best times of my life.

Children are expensive. Before you get the little vomit-poop machine home, your bank account starts going down. Car seats, cribs, formula, diapers (by the hundreds), drugs, doctors, clothes, and last but not least, toys. If you do not have a good job with a steady income, do society and yourselves a favor, and keep it in your pants or wear a condom (if you know how). Kids have a great way of bringing out the greed in other parents. Parents of other children will send you invitations to their children’s birthday parties to get a gift from you but will never show up at your children’s birthday parties. When you have children, for some reason, your electric bill, gas bill, water bill, and food bill start to climb. It seems as though the taller the children get, the higher your bills get. Every light in your home will soon be left on; every television in the house will stay on, and the washer, and dryer never seem to stop.

Children are emotionally draining. God makes children cute to keep you from killing them. Children will push every nerve in your body, until you are ready to snap. You will soon learn how to step back and count to ten to settle your nerves. If you have had children and have not divorced yet, you will need to learn to take turns leaving the house for several hours at a time to keep your sanity. Children are very stressful. You will never be able to sleep soundly again. The whining never stops. They fight constantly with each other. Children have an amazing way of going deaf every time you call their names.

Children need guidance when it comes to feeding. When children are young, you have to feed them whatever they will eat. My son lived on peanut butter and milk for the longest time because that was all he would eat. After attempting other foods thousands of times, we were able to get him to start eating normal food. It was a slow process, but we kept trying, and now it is working. My daughter on the other hand, is a pig. She would eat a cockroach if you put it in front of her. We had to limit her intake and water down her milk so that she would not get fat. Feeding children is the biggest child rearing problem we have with our society. People always try to blame someone or something, when they themselves are to blame for letting their children become fat slobs. It is never the parents’ fault; they try to sue McDonald’s because they sell fattening foods. The judges in that case should be punished along with the parents for blatant stupidity. Other parents try to blame genetics, but not the five pounds of ice cream and candy they stuff down their children’s throats on a weekly basis. People, stop feeding your children crap. You are to blame for your child’s health and well being. If you super size your child’s food, you will be super sizing their fat bodies at the same time.

You as a parent are responsible for your child’s actions. Discipline has disappeared in American society. Long gone are the days of schools paddling badly behaved students, children having to walk to get their own switches (as I always had to do), and getting beaten with wooden spoons. Today there is time-out. Wow, what a concept. We now have thousands of self-help books written by people who either did not have children, or they had the money to have their children reared by nannies or someone else but themselves. Most parents I know who have tried these “gentler” methods have failed their children. Children have to know right from wrong, and this lesson must start at a very early age. After a child reaches school-age, it is almost impossible to repair the harm you have done to your child’s idea of discipline. Children need to understand that “no” and “stop” mean to stop in their tracks and look at you. Also if you call a child’s name, they should stop and look at you. There have been too many cases of children running away from their parents in a crowd and disappearing, or a child running away from their parents’ calls and getting run over by a passing car because the child would not acknowledge the parent calling them. Both parents must take an active role in the consistent disciplining of their children. You definitely do not want your home to be a case of good-cop/bad-cop, or you will both want to kill each other.

You, as a parent are responsible for giving your child an education. You need to start planning (before the child enters school) for their college education. If you start a 529 plan early enough, you would not have to save that much to help cover the child’s education in any public college. Your child may get a scholarship, but do not rely on that eighteen years from now. Georgia has a Hope Scholarship program (funded with the state lottery) for all children with a B average, but it will fail long before any of your children get to high school. Teachers feel guilty now about holding children back, so they give Bs to failing students. So the logical result (with thousands getting scholarships they do not deserve) is the Hope program will be bankrupt within ten years. What a shame for the deserving students, but it is okay as long as the teachers do not feel guilty!

If you can in any way do this, you need to get your children into private school as soon as you can. Hopefully, we will have a voucher system soon that will allow your child to escape the grasp of our worthless government school systems. These schools are failing our children left and right. The teachers are underpaid. The schools are overcrowded within a few years of being built because of pathetic planning agencies. The only thing government schools are good for is trying to get your child hooked on Ritalin or some other brain-deadening drug. How did children survive hundreds of years of education without these wonderful mind-altering drugs? The reason for this is that lately teachers do not want to deal with a child that needs to be given brain stimulation in school. They want your poor child to sit in class like a zombie and listen without commotion. Children that act bored in school, usually are, and they need to be taught subjects using more stimulating methods. These students are some of the brightest in school once they have received some type of stimulation, either through making learning fun, or the teacher uses another method besides regurgitating (throwing up) information from a book.

A child needs to learn the meaning of saving money as soon as they can count and understand what money is. I did not learn until later in life, and it was too late. Children need to learn to save a minimum of 10 to 20 percent of all the money they make or receive as gifts. I am teaching my children to save 10 percent of their money for short-term goals and another 10 percent for long-term goals. If your child can learn this lesson early in their life, they will never have a problem buying a car or a house, and they will always be prepared for the inevitable financial disaster that we all go through. I never prepared a “rainy day” fund and have regretted it every time I have to repair something unexpected.

The department of family and children services is a giant group of jackasses. As one of the biggest failures ever invented, this program needs to be completely revamped. The system is completely understaffed by irresponsible people, who have no possible method of protecting children. The abuses of power they use are reported daily. The negligence reports are too numerous to list. Children die repeatedly, who are supposed to be in the department’s care. They repeatedly try to take children from good homes just because a child broke a bone or got bruised just being a kid. If you have a 2- or 3-year-old without bruised legs, skinned knees, and black eyes, you obviously did not let the kid act like a kid does, uncontrollable.  While family and child care officials are going to hospitals searching for hurt children, other children are dying by being left in cars by unfit parents. If you want to find a bad parent, all you have to do is go to the grocery stores or the liquor stores, and look for children that have been left in the parent’s cars. This is a direct sign that the parent does not care for the well-being of his or her child. I have never and will never leave my children unattended in a vehicle for even a second. The courts and the system have long failed our children. Children involved in divorces are repeatedly given to the least loving of the two parents, just because a certain law says it must be done that way. I would rather have a child be with a poor, loving mother than a rich, careless father and vice-versa.

Anyone involved in real estate is a jackass. Look out: sellers, agents, brokers, and financiers are all after you. There are many things you need to know before buying a home. Whether new or used, they all have problems. I will go over a few of those problems, and I hope they help you in some way.

Whether you are buying a new home or a used home, the most important thing you can do is to see this home during a rainstorm. It may be a pain in the butt, but the regrets you will save are well worth it. I found out the hard way that drainage is one of the biggest problems a homeowner will ever face. Rainwater has a way of finding its way downhill; it goes around, through, or over whatever it sees fit to find its way to the lowest point in any area. Water will destroy a home, the yard, and anything in its path; it will even dig trenches and make canyons in your property. I, along with my neighbors, found this out the hard way, as we were outside in torrential downpours, clearing paths for water to run down drains and through our yards. My next-door neighbor has the beginnings of another Grand Canyon starting in her yard. I was lucky; I only have to get my ark out when it rains to get through my yard.

You need to go through the house yourself to inspect insulation, check for curved walls, make sure they put all the wood siding on the house (not just insulation board over studs), and numerous other screw ups before you actually sign any papers. If you are building a new home, you need to inspect it regularly for mistakes. I went every few days, and I missed a great deal of mistakes that did not turn up until years later. In new homes, you want to make sure they put all the electrical outlets in, all the outdoor lighting is correct, and that you have running water and plumbing that lead to the outdoor faucets. Make sure the house plans do not change as you go along. My builder tried to give me sheet-rocked walls, when I was supposed to get spindle railings on the stairs. I was supposed to get three large radius windows put in the back wall of my home, and the framers completely missed it. These kinds of problems are a much easier to fix if you catch them early. Make sure your builder does not bury scraps in your yard, or you will have mystery holes the size of automobiles appearing in your landscape. Also make sure (unless you want a red brick lawn) that your builder does not scrape all your topsoil off the ground and sell it.

In older homes, you need to inspect for termites, roaches, and ant trails that may lead to problems later on. Check all the crawl spaces for any signs of damage and for leakage of any kind on walls and framework. Check the gutters for clogging and overfilling because overfilled gutter water usually finds its way into the walls and roofs of older homes.

First and foremost, you need to get your credit reports from all three bureaus. Correct all the errors that will be there. You will need to research financing options and rates with several lenders before you sign anything. It is amazing what one percentage point can do to your total loan payback over thirty years.

You need to research area prices for the same types of homes, for new and used homes. A home less than ten miles away from mine and built by the same builder is over 50 percent higher. Both homes were built in similar subdivisions. If you have never owned a home, you need to go to a football stadium and run up and down the bleachers one-hundred times before you make this decision. Buy a ranch home. Stairs only look good on television and are fine if you never do work around the home or never have to move furniture yourself. Stairs will kill your children. Stairs will kill your grandparents or other people who get drunk at your home. Then we will have to write a chapter on liability insurance fraud. Do yourself a great favor and think long and hard about having stairs in the home. I regret this every day of my life. I am a young man and hate having to go up and down the stairs five times to get tools to fix a door or anything else.

Home repair and improvement contractors are jackasses. You need to start saving the day you move into your home for the inevitable repairs! I made the mistake of being able to build a home inside and out myself. I unwittingly thought my home repair skills were an asset when we moved in. Boy, was I wrong. Whether your home is new or used, after five years, you will have to have things repaired or upgraded. Hopefully, you do not have to pay the outrageous prices to have someone repair anything for you. If you do, you need to shop around; you will be amazed at the different prices you will get from different companies doing the same job. Home repairs are not like auto body repair rates, which are regulated and dictated by computer programs. Any person with a truck and a ladder can call himself a handyman and knock on your door. You need to make sure the person is insured and bonded before letting them touch your home. There is nothing better than having someone falling off your roof and breaking a bone to get this life lesson.

As for my home, my wife has painted some rooms five times in the six years we have lived there. We bought our home brand new, and I think we have already rebuilt it at least one time on our own. It would have been cheaper to tear it down and start over. We have remodeled floors, decks, fences, walls, cabinets, fixtures, and everything else in our home. I hope your spouse is house-stupid when it comes to decorating. Do not let your spouse watch any home improvement shows on television, or your “honey-do” list will never end. I have twenty projects yet to be finished because the new projects keep overlapping the old ones.

Jackasses control your computer. One thing I want you to know about computers is that computers do not make mistakes. Do not blame your computer every time you lose a file. Computers only do what they are told. The failure may not have been your fault, but it definitely was the fault of some human. A human programs every function a computer does; therefore, any malfunction (aside from complete shut down) was a screw-up by some human along the line. Any normal American will never master a computer. We slug along hoping we will not cause catastrophic failure in the system and hope our hours of hard work do not disappear.

Using chat rooms and message boards is a major sign that you need to get something better to fill up your time. Unless you work on computers all the time in your business, I suggest you stay away from these areas. It will only be a matter of time before someone is after you for child molestation or something stupid like that. Mr. Michael Jackson, the singer, probably used these to coerce children. If you want to talk to people, get a phone. Everyone I know can run that hole in their face a lot faster than anyone can type.

Pop-up ads and porn sites will eventually destroy the Internet. Do not push your porn sites on me. I know where to get my porn. I’m a man; I understand porn. Men are drawn to women they cannot have or will never get. Porn shows a man what his life will never be, except for that night where he drank too many tequila shots with his cousin. Porn sites pop up now while you are surfing innocent sites for real information. As Neal Boortz said, “Do not look for ‘leather whip’,” or you will have to shut your computer down to stop the pop-up porn sites. Just like telemarketing, there is a reason for the pop-up ads; somebody keeps responding to them. If all you have time to do is use message boards and chat rooms, you need to get a life, or at least a dog.

So-called friends are jackasses. You want to know who your friends are? Tell somebody you are moving and see how fast your friends suddenly have to go out of town or become busy. Friends have a funny way of loving you while you are having a cookout with plenty of food and booze. I have several friends, but they never come around because I am always working on my “honey-do list.” I have helped every one of my friends and relatives move their crap from their homes several times. When I moved into our home, I had my wife, a female friend, and myself moving an entire home. It was just hilarious watching us move large furniture, heavy boxes, washer/dryer, and televisions. All I can do is laugh, just thinking how stupid we looked struggling with all the heavy items. One hernia and two hysterectomies later, we got everything moved in. We still have not unpacked everything. Unpacking just keeps getting pushed further down my “honey-do” list.

Neighbors are jackasses. I want to kill your dogs for barking. How many times does your dog have to be run over by an automobile, before you put it in a pen or a fence in your damn yard? Who told you to feed the stray cats? Now I have to open the hood to my vehicle every morning when it is cold outside, so that I do not make cat puree before I go to work. What a hassle. Cut down your damn trees so they stop falling on my fence. Why do you let your three-year-old kids play in the street unsupervised? Did you not see Pet Sematary? Children are not as replaceable as dogs are, idiot!

Enemies are jackasses. You know the type; there is always someone who loves to start a fight (usually about nothing). It takes a man to walk away from some jackass trying to get under your skin. You have to be able to walk away, even if the other person is wrong. I know people who have been fighting for years over nothing because both of them are too full of stupid pride to walk away, and let the other person win. Learn how to stand up for yourself by walking away, and you will be a lot happier in the long run.

Drivers are jackasses. People cannot drive without any distractions, much less when they are eating or talking on the cell phone. There is no excuse for the number of accidents that have been caused by such things. If you cannot walk and chew gum at the same time, what makes you think you can drive and talk on a damn cell phone. Pull over and talk if you cannot pay attention to your driving. Do not put on your makeup (especially the eyeliner), while you are driving.

Just a note to you ignorant drivers who think higher-octane gasoline is cleaner; it is not! All gasoline is regulated and is just as clean as any others. Higher octane ratings are only needed in high performance, high compression engines. If you want to be sure to get good gasoline, go to a station that sells a lot of gas, this will lessen the chance that you will get water or contamination in the fuel. Why do people try so damn hard to get the fuel pump to stop on the exact dollar amount? People try to stop the pump on exactly $10 and then go in the store and buy something (ruining the only reason for stopping the pump on the exact dollar amount, to keep from waiting on change). Is this some kind of game of skill people like to play?

There are too many cars on the road for ignorant drivers to be out adding to the pure hell of everyday driving. Think back to when you almost failed the written part of the driving test, and figure out what you did not know. I cannot stand drivers who try to stop in the road when a traffic light is flashing yellow. A flashing yellow traffic light means slow down and proceed with caution, it does not mean stop. A flashing red light means stop and go like a stop sign. Also, when the traffic light is out due to power failure, you treat it like a four-way stop. Drivers need to learn how to let off the accelerator before you come to a stop. You will be amazed how much longer your vehicle will last if you quit abusing it. Do not accelerate all the way to a stop sign, slam on the brakes, and then start off like you are in a race. You are the people who complain when their brakes are worn out between every ten- to fifteen-thousand miles.

Road rage is pure stupidity. What is the point of getting mad while you are driving? In this day and age, you are going to get killed one day when you shoot that bird or honk your horn at the wrong idiot. You will just be another death statistic on our highways. Keep your gestures to yourself; keep your mouth shut, and lay off the horn. You need to learn how to be a defensive driver, not an offensive driver. You can usually tell the poor drivers on the road; they are the ones who drive around in beat-up cars that have not been repaired. This shows me they are not staying out of the way of other drivers.

Drivers need to learn how to drive all over again. I know that parking test you took to get your license really showed you how to drive, but you need to think about your driving skills and really think if you are doing it properly. I do not know who taught you how to drive, but people who change lanes rapidly over and over do not get anywhere, and any quicker than the rest of us Sunday drivers who stay in one lane and maintain a constant speed. Look around next time you are driving ten to twenty miles into town. The same jackasses you see jumping all over the road will get there about the same time as everyone else. There is a reason highways get clogged up at the entrance ramps and exit ramps. People will not take a gap or give a gap. This is one of the most basic driving skills. Jackasses think an extra twelve feet is going to make them late for work. There is no reason why you cannot let someone get onto the highway. You need to share the highway with everyone else on the road. Common courtesy is a thing of the past.

Drivers need to learn to give truckers the road and stay out of the way. Drivers need to understand that tractor-trailers weigh up to 80,000 pounds. You are flirting with death with a forty-ton monster that will kill you and not even know it. Truck drivers can hit you and run you off the road and never even feel it. Records have shown that truckers are a lot safer drivers than the average vehicle driver on the road. Truck drivers are at least given on the road testing, while regular drivers only have to show they can park a car and drive twenty feet.

Jackasses are everywhere when it comes to your health. Some people say they are as “healthy as an ox,” yeah, they smell like one too! Everyone is an expert when it comes to fitness and general health. Someone has a scam waiting for you every time you read a magazine, watch television, or even read newspapers. Just think if you just try our new horny rabbit inbred goat root you will suddenly become a stallion in bed, your baldness will go away, and you will lose those love handles all within one week.

Exercise machine peddlers are jackasses. There are hundreds of companies peddling the newest exercise gadget on the market. These items mostly do not work, and the ones that do are not used by the people who purchase them. My Soloflex workout machine was one really expensive clothes hanging rack. Stop throwing your money away, and use what is around you to help you exercise. The best exercises in the world are found in the Charles Atlas books that show people how to exercise with household items. The hardest push-ups in the world are performed using three kitchen chairs. People need to exercise in any way, shape, or form that they can. People today have so many things going on in their lives that they cannot stop for thirty minutes to an hour for structured exercise. Do what you can. Take stairs instead of using elevators or escalators. Do a couple of push-ups while your hair is drying. Walk every chance you get. Do not try to structure an exercise plan if you have young children because children do not follow a schedule. The best exercise in the world is to take a child outside or to the park and chase them around for a while. You will get exhausted, and the child will still be pulling you to come on.

Weight loss plan pushers are jackasses. Everyone has the best weight loss plan, until you try it. Everyone has a better diet. Do not eat meat. Do not eat bread or pasta. Do not eat sugar. Who can follow a diet like these? I can assure you no diet will work if you have to cut out 100 percent of the things you love. I will let you in on the secret two ingredients you need to lose weight (just send $19.95 plus $29.95 shipping to…). If you look at every single weight loss drink, pill, fountain of youth, or whatever, they will all contain one or both of these: chromium and ginseng. Look at the ingredients, and you will see I am not blowing smoke. To lose weight you need to go to a Sam’s Club, Wal-Mart, Target, or the like and buy a bottle of chromium picolinate. Chromium is what helps you lose weight and is a fraction of the cost if you buy it by itself. At Sam’s Club, a bottle of chromium with 500 pills will cost you $8. Take two pills a day, and you will start to notice results within a month. This is the same diet ingredient as the expensive brands but without the fluffy ingredients to drive up the cost. Ginseng on the other hand will give you energy, which can relate to helping you lose weight (and a hardererection, if you are a man). Same plan with the ginseng, buy it by itself at Sam’s Club or Wal-Mart. At Sam’s Club, the bottle of ginseng is around $9. Good luck, lardass.

Overweight people are jackasses. Going hand in hand with your weight loss is the fifty jelly doughnuts you jam down your throat on a daily basis. Your eating habits and weight is your responsibility. Do not try to blame anyone or anything. Aside from a very few health disorders, being overweight is due to too much intake of food and not enough exercise. You can start helping yourself by drinking diet sodas. If you cannot stand the taste of it, shut up and keep drinking it, you will get used to it. After you drink diet soda for a few weeks, you will not like the taste of regular sodas. Your taste buds will get off the sugar kick. Drinking diet soda will not fix your problems, but it is a start. You need to learn how to eat zero calorie foods. A zero calorie food is one that takes more calories to eat than it puts in your body. Celery, carrots, cabbage, and things like this are foods that help you lose weight. Salsa is one of the best foods. Stay away from fattening items like dressings, jams, jellies, mayonnaise, etc., that destroy all the good things the good foods are doing. Maybe I will write a full diet book later that people can actually follow. The main goal is to keep trying. If you fall off the wagon, dust yourself off, and get back on. Stick to a diet consisting of vegetables, meat in moderation, diet sodas, and no sweets, and you will lose weight. Throw in a little exercise, and you will be on your way.

Self-abusers are jackasses. I am one of the jackasses too. If you drink beer, liquor, wine, smoke cigarettes, do drugs, or do other harmful things to your body, you are a jackass. Alcohol will destroy your liver, kill your brain cells, get you punched in the face at a bar, make you beat your spouse, make you wreck your car, and probably will get you killed if you do it outside the home without a designated driver. Be careful. I do drink too much, but I always drink at home unless my designated wife is driving and not drinking. I have driven while intoxicated and was very lucky I did not get killed or arrested. I do not know about you, but driving using the one eye method to keep the lines from splitting is a hassle. I stopped getting behind the wheel after drinking over a decade ago and am really glad I did.

Cigarette smoking will kill you. Hopefully, only the idiots going after the tobacco companies are the only people dumb enough to not know this. How you could smoke and not know it will harm you is beyond me. You need to stop as soon as you can because the sooner you stop the sooner your body can try to repair the harm you have caused. How can you blame someone else for your stupidity? There are many new items on the market that will help. Hopefully, the insurance companies will start to help pay for these stop-smoking aids. The insurance companies are ignorant as to the costs I guess because they gladly pay for you to go to the doctor several times a year for bronchitis, but they will not pay for any aid to help you quit smoking. It seems they would try to save money. This new shot they have out now is supposed to be a miracle cure, but it costs $500. Most people cannot afford this at one time. Sure, it is cheaper in the long-run, but it is not affordable for most people at this time. Zyban helps, but your insurance will not cover it either, unless your doctor will write it up as Wellbutrin. Same drug, only Wellbutrin is written up for depression. Patches and gums help, but are the least helpful. From what I have experienced, the habit side of smoking (the use of hands, mouth, etc.,) is the hardest problem with quitting smoking. The main thing is to keep trying to quit because eventually you will. Either you will quit on your own, or you will quit when you die. Your choice.

Sex therapists and sex peddlers are jackasses. It will make you go blind. Why is a man who reads Playboy a pervert and a woman with a vibrator is just relieving tension? I do not understand the bias. Nudity and sex are getting more prevalent in the media, so be prepared to hide this from your children. Women are completely nude in everyday magazines, except for a little body paint. Entertainers seem to pose nude when their popularity goes down. Everyone tries to ban pornography, while the everyday media gets deeper into the nudity issue. I do not care if you want porno. If you like porno and nudity, that is fine; I think being a free American should allow you to look at this type of material if you choose (as long as minors are not involved). Why do some people get so bent out of shape over nudity? Get a damn life. Go complain about the violence in “Roadrunner” cartoons or something.

Sex is a great thing. Just try to have it regularly when you have young children. By the time you get everyone to bed, the house cleaned, and other work done, you are just too tired to care about sex. Single people say “Man, I could have sex every day,” That’s bull; they obviously have never been married. Sex becomes a chore over time, and the best thing you can do is to try and keep it interesting. Buy some sex toys so your children or in-laws will find them. Do it in different places and be willing to experiment. Nothing is better than having guests over for dinner, knowing you just had sex on the dinner table the night before. Nothing makes sex more exciting than when you are at the doctor having something removed from one of your orifices. Wear a wig; everyone would like to get some “strange” every once and a while.

Sex is great until you find out the hard way a child is on the way, and then it becomes the evil conception. Just a word to the wise, condoms do not fail. You do. If you put a condom on correctly, the chances of it failing are slim to none, unless the woman is not ready. If the woman was not ready, you failed as a man anyway and deserve to have a little reminder of your stupidity. If you cannot put on a condom and pinch the air out of the end, then you need to just keep beating off. Remember dumb people have dumb kids.

Homophobes are jackasses. Those who are afraid of homosexuals need to take a look at their own issues. All I hear is people saying they do not like television shows like Will and Grace or any other television show with homosexuals. Shut up, and get a life. If you cannot get past the homosexual part and enjoy a funny show, you are just immature. I do not care what people do with their lives, I am too busy living mine. The uproar over legalizing marriage in Massachusetts was ridiculous. Who cares? Homosexuals or lesbians getting married will not affect my wife, my children, me, or my life in any way. Find something better to do with your life than to cry about issues such as these.

Good Luck!

Bear Brooks

Author of “A Jackass at Every Turn”

BILL OF RIGHTS

The Law of the Land: Well, It Used to Be

The average American’s Bill of Rights:

1. You have the right to pray to any God if you believe in one. The government will not get in the way unless some anal people get involved. You can say or print any stupid, idiotic thing you want, but beware, someone may beat the crap out of you or sue you for doing so. The press can say or print all the incorrect, left-wing, and liberal untruths they want and to spin the truth to fit their agendas. You and all your drunken friends can gather together peacefully and make complete fools of yourselves. You may pissand moan to the government any time you want something free that other taxpayers paid for; this includes the big-screen television you bought while you were on welfare.

2. You have the right to shoot yourself with the gun you purchased illegally at the monster truck show. You can blame someone else when you do something stupid, like letting your child get shot with the gun you did not protect them from. You can go out and kill animals to make yourself feel manly. You can wear all the camouflage outfits you want. You can have your child wear camouflage underwear if you so desire. You can shoot beer cans off fence posts to make yourself feel like Dirty Harry. You can play “cops and robbers” with your buddies as long as no one gets killed.

3. While not at war, you will not have to let one of our underpaid soldiers into your rat- and roach-infested home, to sleep on your doggie-toilet carpet and child-vomit-covered furniture, not that they would want to anyway.

4. You can rest assured that no one wants to search your porn collection. Your home (which you cannot find your children in) will be left alone, unless you say something stupid and allow it. Your car will not be searched, unless you forget to put out your joint or that white powder still hanging out of your nose. Your body, which has not been bathed in days, will not be searched. No one will take your stuff, unless you break one of the 150,000 laws on the books in America. For the government to violate these rights, all they have to do is have probable cause; which means if you eat the last donut at the donut shop, you are likely to go to jail later that day.

5. You can take this right to court with you as a “get out of jail free card” if you are in trouble with someone else. You do not have to admit that you broke one of the numerous laws that no one knows about anyway. When your partner in crime gets caught, you can use this right to send him up the river without telling on yourself. This right says that a group of morons like yourself will have to fry you in serious crimes, unless you can get them to think you are the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, or the devil; in that case you get to go to happy land and take drugs all day. You can only be tried one time for each stupid thing that you do. You can only be electrocuted for killing your wife one time. No one will kill you, steal your precious lava lamps, tie you up in chains, or hide you in a closet without following the law. No one will take your stuff, unless they say they need it or the local shopping center will pay your officials more tax money; in this case, you will receive pennies on the dollar for your stuff.. This right is shot to hell if you are in the military; in that case you are just screwed.

6. You have the right to a speedy trial. Speedy means two months for a traffic ticket, one year for molesting one of your dogs or pigs, and two years for using your second right to shoot someone. You have the right to be publicly humiliated due to your idiotic actions and to have your bad name hit the media faster than steam starts coming off of cow manure. You will be judged by another group of cow-tipping friends or neighbors in the state and area where your trailer is parked (wheels on or off). You have the right to know why you are behind bars, as if you did not know already that you did the crime; which is possible due to the number of laws we have; no one could know whether they were breaking one anyway. You will get to see people that tell a better lie than you do, as they make you look like a fool, whether you are guilty or not, which you probably are. You can get all your drunk, toothless friends to come to the trial with you and lie about what an upstanding citizen you are. You can use taxpayer money to provide a lawyer for you who does not care whether you fry or not, because he will be twenty cases past yours when you meet your first prison boyfriend.

7. In a crime valued at over $20, you have the right to be judged by the same group of drunk, wife-beating, powder-snorting, upstanding citizens who live near you, as mentioned in your earlier rights. Once this group of anal, politically correct, racially motivated, uneducated people have decided whether you can continue to freely be dumb, no other court can put you through this embarrassment again; unless they want to alter the law or use a loophole to do it again.

8. Since you are broke, this right is pointless but states that you will only have to hock your trailer to get your bail money to get out of jail. They can only squeeze so much blood out of a rock, so they cannot fine you more than the cost of a carton of cigarettes, unless it is a serious crime like putting up yard-sale signs. Your punishment has to be fair according to the way the judge or jury feels that day; if the judge has a case of green-apple splatters, you are going to the chair for stealing that beef jerky and six-pack. No one will make you do any cruel punishment other than going to sit in jail and eat, sleep, and live a better life than the average poor person does in America.

9. You have rights that no one knows yet, which apply to crimes you do not know you committed yet, because your politicians have not changed them sixty-seven times yet, because the U.S. Constitution was written by men who had not lost their minds yet.

10. If a right is not given to you in the Constitution, it does not mean one cannot be made up really fast by the states or other people to screw you over in a hurry. Others have the rights to play with the words and meanings of the Constitution in anyway they see fit. Every right can be slanted, spun, or turned into a racial attack or a civil rights violation in any trial, suit, or news story, as long as someone makes money or gains publicity by doing so. Above and before all else, your right to be an ignorant, foolish, and selfish individual will be upheld if you can say one of your other rights has been violated.

In conclusion, you have to get mad in America to get anything done, because jackasses make the majority of laws and decisions. The average American is too busy leading their lives to bother with such foolishness, but you will have to become one of these jackasses also, or nothing will ever change for the better. People who have nothing but enrichment, notoriety, and selfishness as their agendas are sucking America down a hole. We have to get out there and change the things we disagree with, and it seems the only way to do so is to become what we hate.

Good Luck,

Bear Brooks

Author of “A Jackass at Every Turn”!

PS

Here is why Americans are ignorant...  What we are interested in and who causes the problems.

MySpace Valentine Anna Nicole Smith Poker Paris Hilton Disney Pamela Anderson Britney Spears Naruto Spyware YouTube WWE RuneScape Dragonball Pokemon Clay Aiken Limewire Jennifer Aniston Golf Apple Wikipedia NFL Carmen Electra Bit Torrent Taxes Trish Stratus Jennifer Lopez Univision Inuyasha Lindsay Lohan Beyonce Christina Aguilera Jessica Simpson Soccer Shakira Angelina Jolie NBA Rachael Ray Show Jessica Alba 50 Cent Barbie Grammy Awards Anna Kournikova Hilary Duff Harry Potter PS2 NASCAR Nelly Fashion Ted Stevens Lisa Murkowski John McCain Jon Kyl Blanche Lincoln Mark Pryor Dianne Feinstein Barbara Boxer Wayne Allard Ken Salazar Chris Dodd Joe Lieberman Joe Biden Tom Carper Bill Nelson Mel Martinez Daniel Inouye Daniel Akaka Larry Craig Mike Crapo Richard Durbin Barack Obama Dick Lugar Evan Bayh Chuck Grassley Tom Harkin Sam Brownback Pat Roberts Mitch McConnell Jim Bunning Mary Landrieu David Vitter Olympia Snowe Susan Collins Barbara Mikulski Ben Cardin Ted Kennedy John Kerry Carl Levin Debbie Stabenow Norm Coleman Amy Klobuchar Thad Cochran Trent Lott
Kit Bond Claire McCaskill Max Baucus Jon Tester Chuck Hagel Ben Nelson Harry Reid John Ensign Judd Gregg John Sununu Frank Lautenberg Bob Menendez Pete Domenici Jeff Bingaman Charles Schumer Hillary Rodham Clinton Elizabeth Dole Richard Burr Kent Conrad Byron Dorgan George Voinovich Sherrod Brown Jim Inhofe Tom Coburn Ron Wyden Gordon Smith Arlen Specter Bob Casey, Jr. Jack Reed Sheldon Whitehouse Lindsey Graham Jim DeMint Tim Johnson John Thune Lamar Alexander Bob Corker Kay Bailey Hutchison John Cornyn Orrin Hatch Robert Bennett Patrick Leahy Bernie Sanders John Warner Jim Webb Patty Murray Maria Cantwell Robert Byrd Jay Rockefeller Herb Kohl Russ Feingold Craig Thomas Mike Enzi

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IRS vs. ILLEGALS

The cure for all of America’s woes with Illegal Immigration lies with our esteemed IRS. They do not do anything well, except for sending people to jail. Al Capone, our wonderful ex-Atlanta Mayor Bill Campbell, and countless others may have broken laws, killed people, embezzled millions, or just acted like complete jackasses, but they did not get away from the IRS.